Seek Help

she’s a nice girl with a broken heart, someone said. that’s what make she’s hard to herself.

since i admit that i have mild depression, i want to make myself better. if possible, i want to cure this mental illness. but at the same time, i have major trust issue. hence, i cannot tell this problem to anyone. i don’t trust the psychiatrist. i don’t even tell my parents. yes, abah was still here at that moment. i kept things to myself. because that is the only way i can guarantee that my secret is safe. and nobody will be mocking me with my sickness.

then there was one day, i cannot keep up with the tension i had in my head. i have a very heavy heart. and it affects my breathing. i breath heavily. i showered, hoping that it cools me down. i closed my eyes and emptied my head. slowly, i can catch my breath again. then i know i need help. i need to find someone i can talk to.

Suraya, is a friend of mine since we were in Uni back then. a psychiatrist by profession. a specialist in child psychological development. and forever a friend to me. so we talked about this. we had our coffee session. i talked about my daughter too. the impacts on her. what should i do. and a lot more. basically i want to do everything just to overcome this illness. i don’t want to be sick anymore.

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after all, there are things that i need to always remember about healing. healing takes time. and she suggested that i should write about it. don’t be ashamed of what you feel. grab some note books and write them all. pour your anger, your love, your sadness, your everything into that book, she said.

life sure gives you a lot of twist. but if you need help, don’t be scared to look for one. admit that you need help. and if someone talk to you about his or her depression, please listen to them very carefully. it takes a whole lot of energy just to open up to you. lets help each other !

Listen, Dec, 2017

Life is hard

We rarely talk about depression in our community. It is hardly accepted. If we tell, people tend to joke about it. As if it is very funny. Certain people will only think that you are attention seeker 😞 Or you are just stress. Depression is more than stress. Like seriously more than that.

My life sucks. But i know others have worse. Not trying to compare to anyone because we battle different kind of living.

As for me, i got married once, been cheated a few times. Until one day i know i have to stop it. That’s it. I will end it. Even though i know that my community is so sceptical towards single mothers. I still have to.

We are looked down. As if we are not worth any value. We are treated differently, in hurtful ways. People are very creative when it comes to hurting others πŸ˜…

My depression is mild. It just hit me once or twice. I feel like i am sinking in a dark sea. It’s cold and nobody is there to help me. It just me dying alone. I heard voices in my head.

You are not important;

No one will fight for you;

You are worthless;

You are nothing;

Not special;

Nothing to be proud of;

You are ugly inside out;

And the list goes on.

i have some other impacts on myself too. i have trust issues. i have insecurities. everything seems so complex to me. i don’t talk to people, because for me they are all fake. i stay away from crowd. i avoid eye contact when in conversations. my circle is super small. i’m happier that way.

At one point, i feel like giving up my life. That’s the only way i will stop this pain. But i know i have to take care of my daughter. So i fight that feeling. I try to talk to others, but their responses will only hurt me more. Sometimes, this is where i broke myself even more.

For the past few years the only progress i made was, i accepted the fact that i have depression. I have to be strong to live on. And still carry the burden that my daughter is incomplete because of me 😭

No matter how strong i wish i can be, sometimes i need someone to hold me tight and tell, i know it’s tough but everything is going to be all right ☺️

Dec, 2017

Moon

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one night, the moon said to me, ” if he makes you cry, why don’t you just leave him ?’ i paused for a while and said, ” Moon, will you ever leave your sky ?”

So that’s my love story. What’s yours ?

Dec, 2017

Hope

There was a girl. used to be a very friendly one. She talked nicely to everyone. Especially to the elderly. She was once a happy young lady.

But things changed. People left. Being cheated on. Again and again. she lives on, just not the same way she used to.

Now, she hardly talk to strangers. she chooses to stay away from the crowd. She cries too much these days. She has severe trust issues.

I hope one day, she’ll be happy again πŸ™‚ she doesn’t have to justify her life to everyone.

She, 2009

Un-stable

I am not cool guys. Very not cool 😭

I am not okay. Super not okay. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I just want to stay in my bed. All day long.

Fighting your own self is not easy. Battling with your own emotion is killing your brain. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Very unstable. That’s my condition.

Dec, 2017

Insecurities

Yesterday.

It started yesterday when i think my insecurities become more complex than the usual one.

Suddenly i feel that i want to hide. From every one. My eyes wander. I cannot focus. I don’t look into the eyes when i have conversations. I don’t want to see them πŸ™

I want to leave this place. I want to stay away from people. They are bad. They cannot be trusted. I want to go far, please 😞

I don’t deserve anything, anyone in this life.

Be strong, Dec, 2017

Fixing Life

I love beautiful places. They keep a lot of good memories.

I want to go far when i am sad. I want to go far so my stories won’t be heard by others. I want to go far so people cannot judge me. I want to go far so they don’t remember me.

I want to fix life, for a better one. But i cannot fix a broken trust.

Dec, 2017